Firsts are always special; first birthday, first kiss, first love. First step is the most important thing when you’re trying to learn something, it is the foundation, it helps you know how to properly put things in the right place. We also base the next things that we’re gonna get from the first one, it might be better or worst but it will never beat the feeling that the first one gave us.
I couldn’t think of anyone else besides him when I hear the word “first love”, his name pops up in my head as fast a switching the light bulb on.
Before I tell you this story, let me tell you a little something about me before I met him. I was cynical and the idea of love disgusts me, I know how that sounds, I was pathetic.
I got curious about relationships when my friends at that time started dating already, but I’m honestly just curious, i don’t want to be in one because i know that it’s not for me, but then he came out of fucking nowhere and all of sudden, the way i see things changed.
The first guy i dated is a really nice guy, I never notice him before but he tweeted about me and that caught my attention, so then we started talking. We just hit it off, you know how things go in our generation, we flirt through text. After a few weeks of talking we decide to finally go out together.
After that date, we are inseparable, every day, me and him, Being with this guy is like being a teen age movie. We did crazy things, lots of crazy things, we dedicated songs to each other, we stayed up all night talking to each other, he sneaked into my house, and probably the CRAZIEST thing we did was when we went out at three in the fucking morning and sneak in our school, know that in the next few hours our classes will start, but there we are, running around on the empty streets, climbing the school gates and when we’re on our way home i picked a flower that will remind me of that night, I guess I still have it. That memory is surreal, it’s beautiful, and that moment still makes me smile every time I think about it.
If you’re a person who has been dating for quite some time now, you know damn well that the beginning is the happy part; You two getting to know each other, doing things together for the first time that moment feels like magic, but as time goes by, almost everything you thought is right gets ruined.
Things just started getting out of hands, I became unpredictable, I did terrible things.
I asked to break up with him a lot of times before, he always insists, but after the mess i made, when i asked to break up again, it was different, i was just actually testing him to see if he’s still going to choose me despite of the terrible things i did, but sadly he didn’t, and i completely understand him, i honestly do
I know that it was a very immature move, you should always talk about the things the bothers you with your partner no matter how uncomfortable it is because that’s what intimacy is.
We dated two-three? years ago, that was my first break up and let me tell you, the pain still haunts me everyday, I admit that, I still remember how I cried, and how I hurt.
That break up had a huge impact on my mental, emotional and physical well being; I was sick almost every month, I was out of my head space most the time.
The universe has a painful way of telling us that we need to grow, and I am so damn proud of myself for being able to recover from that.
This type of man was someone I thought “the one” because I hold on to the fact that he never hurt me in any way, for so long, I wrapped my head around the things that I did wrong and blame myself for ruining what I believed was true love that I forgot the fact that he let me go, and the fact that we were immature, and we didn’t know any better.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate him, I hated the fact that I hurt for so long because I didn’t analyze the situation.
I’m not saying that what we had wasn’t real, at that time it was amazing, and honestly until now I still consider it one of the best moments of my life, but that kind of love is not worth crying over anymore, it was too far gone. I feel what had to feel at that time, but at some point i learned to move forward. We both have grown apart and became strangers, but i guess we both learned the lessons we need.
I know that it was my decisions that caused me so much pain, but we never really know which decision will make everything better, at least give me that.
The thing that I did back then that I’m proud of right now is having the courage to walk away from what I believed was everything so that I could learn more, i opened myself to other possibilities. If you ever loved someone so much and then all of a sudden they were gone you know that pain will drive you crazy, but remember that you will overcome everything if you train your mind to focus on the good. This type of love is the one that will make you tough; it will prepare you for what is coming.
I will call the next guy that I dated “The Wanderer” and I will tell you everything about him on the next blog…