Six Types of Men that I Dated Before College: “The Reason”

We all have a reason for doing something. Me, for instance, I wrote this blog series because I want to express my feelings and tell you these stories of mine, for you to learn a little from my own mistakes and help you the way I wish someone helped me. This Episode is so hard for me to write because I’m still living with the pain of this memory and I don’t understand why I have to hurt like this. This is the kind of pain that I will never wish anyone to experience, not even for my greatest enemy.

Every stories has two sides and this is mine…

Looking back on this series you guys know that I’ve been through a lot, and those crazy things lead me to this guy that I’d call “The Reason”. After all the relationship I’ve been through, after I reflect on my action, and decided to fix myself, I met him. If there really is a God he probably knows how much I loved this guy, I can’t even explain how much, thinking about him are making my hands shake right now… He was my safe place. Some of you might think that he was my “the one that got away” but no, I could give a hundred reasons why.

Let’s start from beginning; I met this guy at the bar. he was a friend of a friend of a friend and I met him because I used to drink a lot, you guys know that already. God, I can still picture the way looked the night we met. His hair, his clothes, his smile, and his fucking eyes… When we arrived he shook our hands and we sit around the table. We started drinking, we laughed, we play, we talk, we went fucking crazy but I didn’t drink much because I have a class at 8am and it was 12 midnight already, we’re drinking at Karma around Tomas Morato. Everyone was drunk and me and him are the only ones who wasn’t and this where the story begun…

It was around 4 am in the morning when he asked me to go with him to Manila Bay, I said “fuck it why not?” Everyone’s fucking drunk and I don’t want to take care of them so we left, we went in to his car and left, I can still fucking remember the album we we’re listing to while he was driving… Channel ORANGE by Frank Ocean. He has a good taste in music, admirable perspective, crazy thoughts, amazing wit; he was my dream come true. I have never laughed the way I laughed with him he just… gets me.

After that night we were inseparable, he will pick me up at school and we will eat anywhere, as long as we have each other, we are happy. He was honest with me; he told me everything; his fears, his happiness, his goals, and dreams. I liked listening to him talk, his mind is beautiful. I met his parent you know, his dad is tells funny jokes and his mom is a typical house wife who cooks amazing dishes, they were amazing. We’re like family. I know how this sounds, fucking delusional. How did I even thought I deserve to be with a happy family, I am girl who always fucks up everything good.

I am his listener, his friend, his lover, his family. He tell me beautiful things, like how much he wants to have his own family and have kids running around the big house he will build for them, how he would take the kids to school and kiss them goodbye every time he’ll drop them off. I listened. I listened to those happy stories but I didn’t see myself in them because I want the exact opposite of that.

We want different things and I don’t want to scare him away, that’s why I never talked. I wanted as bad to want to have the same future as his but I wasn’t ready, my mind is off of the thought of me raising kids in the future. I want to travel, see breathtaking views,feel thing. I want to be free and fearless. I want to experience life different from other people. But he wanted family, kids, and big houses. See my crisis here?

I collected all the courage to tell him I that I wasn’t down with what he wants, I also don’t want it to take so long before I tell him that. So I did take risk and told him. After that he hugged me and told me that it’s okay, I said “Intayin mo ako please?” (Wait for me please?) He said okay, It was such relief I feel like I can finally breathe again. It was fucking dramatic but wait for it…
We continued dating for about a month, everything was great until he stared to ignore me. I was fine with it because I thought he wanted space, we were off for a week then he suddenly picked me up at my dormitory and while we were on the car he said “I’m sorry, this won’t work anymore”. I said “what happened?” he fucking said “I think in love with someone else now” I laughed because I didn’t know how to react, or what say, or even do. I just stepped out of the car. And that was the end of us…

You want to know what the most heart breaking part is? It’s the fact that he chose a girl who have a kid. The time where I thought he needed space, he was looking for someone who will fulfil his dreams already. He didn’t wait for me when he god damn said he would. I thought he was honest, and open, and okay with what I want, but he wasn’t. He lied to me, he disrespected me, and hurt me in a way that I will never know how to recover from. The person I thought who gets me and will always be there for me, left, because he wanted to live the life he wants already. The person who always talks, just stopped.

It hurts so much because I hated myself for so long because of that, I thought I should’ve change so he could stay, I thought there is something wrong with me and I’m not worth it, I thought my plans for myself is such a waste, and that is the kind of pain that I don’t wish anyone to feel. The pain of watching your dreams get crumbled because of love, it was inevitable. I used to believe that what I want and deserve doesn’t exist because of what he did, and that is why, I worked so damn hard to prove myself wrong. What I want exist. what I want is valid. what I want is good enough. and no one is making me feel that way again.

Love yourself first, I know that sounds cliché but live by those words by heart. In this cruel world, all you have is yourself, that is the truth. Everyone around you will either be gone or will leave, you’ll never know who the right ones are that is why and you have to be strong enough to handle the change. You are your only constant, you are your happiness and peace. Live your life the way you want because it is yours and no one else’s. Never let the opinions of others manipulate you. Train your mind to figure out what it wants, what it really wants. Take care yourself, wake up early and feel how the warmth of the morning sun touches your skin, make yourself a cup of tea, or coffee, which ever you like, breath, laugh, appreciate nature, paint, write, read, just fucking live, this is your life and it is happening now.

Six Types of Men that I Dated Before College: “The Twins”

The next two men that I dated are what I like to call the twins. No, they are not literally twins it’s their personality that is oddly the exact same. I think if one of these two people is an opposite sex they might have been perfect for each other. This blog won’t be too long because these relationships are literally pointless, I learned nothing. All I got is the memories that I don’t even want to remember.

 I’ll admit that I only dated them because I was scared to be alone, I always thought that if surround myself with people I will be less miserable because that would distract me from the fact that I am unhappy, I’m fucking wrong and you guys know that already. Let me clear this up, I did not date both of them at the same time, I moved on from the first one in a short period of time then I dated the second one after.

You might be wondering what kind of personality they have, so let me tell you a little bit about them; I met the twin number one at the bar and the twin number two at the club. They are the type of guys who like to live in the moment. They never take anything seriously, they we’re really immature and low in life. I always seem to date guys that obviously have lower IQs that me. I’m not saying that I’m crazy smart, but I know that I can do better, I just choose not to because of the fear of getting too attached again. I dated these two for validation, those were some my toxic traits back then.

I always wondered how I get to date men that has the same personality and I guess the answer is; because I stayed to long on that phase of my life where everything is mess that I familiarize myself with what kind of people I’m with, and stick with those kind of people because I was too comfortable around them. They never pointed out my toxic traits and I didn’t realize that it was a form of self destruction. At some point in our lives we will be stuck with people who will slow our growth down and it will be terrible, we will be terrible, and the moment we realize that what we’re doing is not physically and mentally health for us, the decision is ours, to leave and be better or stay and get worse.

I am proud to say that I left to be better. I’m not saying that there will be no chance for those who stayed to be the worst version of themselves; it is never too late to be good to yourself. No matter how huge the damage you’ve done is, you can always begin again by choosing yourself every god damn day. Now that I managed to slowly remove myself from that kind of environment, I understand why I did what I did and learned to value, appreciate, and respect myself more. I don’t expect people to understand because the way I forgave myself is enough already. I am finally free.

The next blog would be the last of this series; I hope you guys are enjoying my blog series.

 I will call the last one “The Reason”…

Six Types of Men that I Dated Before College: “The Barney Stinson”

If you know How I Met Your Mother you probably know who Barney Stinson is, for those who doesn’t let me describe him, Barney is a sexually active guy who is incredibly funny, he often shows his romantic side but when he does, it’s amazing, he also have a commitment issue. I like to call this guy “The Barney Stinson” because his wit and the way he express his feelings is exactly how Barney Stinson does it. I loved Barney Stinson, I used to find him attractive because he’s cool and special in his unique ways, but when I met someone that is exactly like him I instantly changed my mind.

I met this guy through a friend as well, I don’t really like him at first because he is talkative, playful, friendly, and have a questionable wit, that’s how I realized that he is indeed completely like Barney, then I soon realized that I’m not down for guys like that. We see each other often because of our common friend, he always wants to drink with us on Friday nights. You know, I use to drink a lot in my high school and trust me I wish I didn’t but doing that gave me the opportunity to meet people, and have experiences that really made me feel like I’m living.

So back to this guy, we’re not really close we just like to drink with our friends and have fun, but then one day he asked me out and I said yes because I don’t want to be rude. This guy took me to a nice restaurant, and we went drinking at Pop up Katipunan with our friends after, then he drop me off on my place. He drives a car so transportation wasn’t our problem. To be honest I don’t like going out for dinner dates because I get too nervous and lose my appetite, I never enjoyed it. I just like to chill in a comfortable place and eat comfortable food, if you know what I mean.

Honestly, he is a great guy; funny, caring, clingy, and sweet, but he is not for me. I guess every person who has been in a multiple relationships knows that feeling when you know that someone isn’t for you. We mostly talk about movies, TV shows, and food. We never talked about our feelings, or life, there was no deep connection between us. He’s unpredictable, not an open person and I myself, is too. He shows you how he feels by giving you gifts and taking you out on dates, it’s nice for him to do that but at the same time it feels so wrong. As you grow older you’ll start to understand why having someone you can totally connect with is important.

A relationship where neither of you is trying and honest is not worth staying for, that was the kind of relationship we had, we weren’t ready to talk about our past because we haven’t move on from that at that time. I decided to part ways with him because I don’t see myself being with him when I’m in my 40’s. I used to think of this relationship as a waste of time but now that I’m in a different point of my life, I realized that I needed to meet this guy for me to know that in a relationship connection is crucial, to know what kind of relationship I want to settle with, and to be futuristic before dating anyone because remember that when you enter a relationship, the goal is to stay with each other no matter what.

People often forget that relationships are way more deeper and intimate than what we see online, it’s not about looking cute together on social media, or for you to blend in with your friends, we are committing on someone who will be with us for the rest of our lives, we should always keep that in mind when we enter a relationship, and most importantly it is not something that you leave to fate, you to work for it, on it.

I am complete hypocrite for giving you that advice when I, myself is not doing anything to be with the person I love, I guess it’s the fear rejection. That brings me to the point, I don’t want to be with someone that keeps me confused and guessing, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. The universe knows that I could turn world upside down for the people I love, but what breaks my heart is the fact that the people I feel this way for would never do the same, that’s why I’m taking a break on trying and became so selfish that all I’m doing right now is for my own happiness only.

The fourth and fifth type of men I dated is what I like to call “The Twins”, already have an idea about what type of men they are?

Six Types Of Men That I Dated Before College: “The Wanderer”

This is the type of guy that will remind you to open yourself again, you will meet a guy like this after a break up, but this is NOT the type of guy that you should settle with because he’s a wanderer, he doesn’t know exactly what he’s looking for. Let me explain, he’s not a bad guy, it’s just that he was on the point of his life where he needed to meet people, he needed to know his options. He doesn’t exactly roam around breaking hearts, he is just finding himself.

I guess we all have to give each other a chance to do that.

One of my rules in dating is to always try to understand. Know that everyone is battling their own demons so try understanding their situation no matter how hard it is, because understanding will teach you a lot. It will prevent your heart from breaking. You will also know if someone has a good reason for doing the things they did or if they are just a terrible person.

I met this “wandered” though a friend, we were having a party on my friend’s condo unit and then he showed up with his friends, I didn’t know they were invited. It was party so we ate some pizza, drink beer, take tequila shots, and when everyone passed out there were only five of us left, and were just talking about our life and experiences, I ended the conversation when I said I’m going to get some ice cream and this guy asked to come with me, I said yes I figured why not it’s just ice cream.

We went to the 7/11 store nearby, I was pretty drunk but I remember that we bought a unicorn ice cream and we laughed about it while we’re eating it. Before we left we bought bottled coffee for our friends, and on our way back, when we’re at the elevator he kissed me. I laughed and said “what the fuck?” he laughed too and said “I’m sorry” we were laughing about it on the elevator and when the door opened, he held my hand and we walk back into the unit. Everyone was sleeping on the floor so we decided to sit in the balcony and talk. It was almost three in the morning, we were tipsy and we just started talking about random things; the worst party he ever went to, his pet, the tattoo on his chest, and his past relationships, then we listen to music, we smoke, and we watch random videos on youtube.

It was five in the morning when I said I have to get going, because I needed to go back home in Rizal, it was Saturday morning. Most of our friends were still asleep, I booked a grab and he escorted me to the lobby and we waited for my ride. When my grab arrived he hugged me then I left.

That’s how we started, then we talked almost every day, we just vibe. we often watch movies at the mall then eat S&R pizza after. We liked each other’s company, but I know deep inside that what we have will never last so I didn’t get too attached. I see him more as a company than someone whom I will spend the rest of my life with.

Some of you might think “why be with with someone whom you don’t see yourself being with in the future?” and my answer is, I needed someone who will be there. I need to distract myself from the fact that I haven’t move on yet. It was selfish but I needed that, I don’t expect everyone to understand but that was the best way I know to cope up.

At some point, we became cold towards each other, I get used to him and I think he felt the same way towards me too. And then one day, after a week of avoiding each other, he wanted to talk about it. It was really nice of him to want to talk about it because I’m honestly not looking forward to it. So we talked and he apologize for being cold, he told me what he’s been feeling, he said “I don’t know where this is going” and I said I feel the same way but I guess he thinks that I just said that to cover up what I truly feel, but you’re reading this, I want you to know that you didn’t hurt me, we out grow each other and it’s okay. You don’t have to check on me anymore, thank you for being there for me when I needed someone.

Just when you thought love is finally worth having again, you will meet the what I like to call “The Barney Stinson”…

Six Types Of Men That I Dated Before College: The “One”?

Firsts are always special; first birthday, first kiss, first love. First step is the most important thing when you’re trying to learn something, it is the foundation, it helps you know how to properly put things in the right place. We also base the next things that we’re gonna get from the first one, it might be better or worst but it will never beat the feeling that the first one gave us.

 

I couldn’t think of anyone else besides him when I hear the word “first love”, his name pops up in my head as fast a switching the light bulb on.

Before I tell you this story, let me tell you a little something about me before I met him. I was cynical and the idea of love disgusts me, I know how that sounds, I was pathetic.

I got curious about relationships when my friends at that time started dating already, but I’m honestly just curious, i don’t want to be in one because i know that it’s not for me, but then he came out of fucking nowhere and all of sudden, the way i see things changed.

 

The first guy i dated is a really nice guy, I never notice him before but he tweeted about me and that caught my attention, so then we started talking. We just hit it off, you know how things go in our generation, we flirt through text. After a few weeks of talking we decide to finally go out together.

After that date, we are inseparable, every day, me and him, Being with this guy is like being a teen age movie. We did crazy things, lots of crazy things, we dedicated songs to each other, we stayed up all night talking to each other, he sneaked into my house, and probably the CRAZIEST thing we did was when we went out at three in the fucking morning and sneak in our school, know that in the next few hours our classes will start, but there we are, running around on the empty streets, climbing the school gates and when we’re on our way home i picked a flower that will remind me of that night, I guess I still have it. That memory is surreal, it’s beautiful, and that moment still makes me smile every time I think about it.

 

If you’re a person who has been dating for quite some time now, you know damn well that the beginning is the happy part; You two getting to know each other, doing things together for the first time that moment feels like magic, but as time goes by, almost everything you thought is right gets ruined.

Things just started getting out of hands, I became unpredictable, I did terrible things.

I asked to break up with him a lot of times before, he always insists, but after the mess i made, when i asked to break up again, it was different, i was just actually testing him to see if he’s still going to choose me despite of the terrible things i did, but sadly he didn’t, and i completely understand him, i honestly do

I know that it was a very immature move, you should always talk about the things the bothers you with your partner no matter how uncomfortable it is because that’s what intimacy is.

We dated two-three? years ago, that was my first break up and let me tell you, the pain still haunts me everyday, I admit that, I still remember how I cried, and how I hurt.

That break up had a huge impact on my mental, emotional and physical well being; I was sick almost every month, I was out of my head space most the time.

The universe has a painful way of telling us that we need to grow, and I am so damn proud of myself for being able to recover from that.

 

This type of man was someone I thought “the one” because I hold on to the fact that he never hurt me in any way, for so long, I wrapped my head around the things that I did wrong and blame myself for ruining what I believed was true love that I forgot the fact that he let me go, and the fact that we were immature, and we didn’t know any better.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate him, I hated the fact that I hurt for so long because I didn’t analyze the situation.

I’m not saying that what we had wasn’t real, at that time it was amazing, and honestly until now I  still consider it one of the best moments of my life, but that kind of love is not worth crying over anymore, it was too far gone. I feel what had to feel at that time, but at some point i learned to move forward. We both have grown apart and became strangers, but i guess we both learned the lessons we need.

I know that it was my decisions that caused me so much pain, but we never really know which decision will make everything better, at least give me that.

The thing that I did back then that I’m proud of right now is having the courage to walk away from what I believed was everything so that I could learn more, i opened myself to other possibilities. If you ever loved someone so much and then all of a sudden they were gone you know that pain will drive you crazy, but remember that you will overcome everything if you train your mind to focus on the good. This type of love is the one that will make you tough; it will prepare you for what is coming.

I will call the next guy that I dated “The Wanderer” and I will tell you everything about him on the next blog…

Six Types Of Men That I Dated Before College

I never liked high school, I honestly hated it,  not because i wasn’t famous or not pretty enough for boys blah, blah, blah… okay, i know this sounds cliche but this is based on my real life, and let me tell you the twist and turn of my dating life is worth knowing. Let me start again, I hated high school because it is the most confusing phase of my life, so far. High school is, okay… i guess, this is when i started to realize, “fuck the rules”, this is where i bought fake ids to get into clubs where i stayed up all night drinking and partying. This phase of my life is messy, and fun, and full of regrets, but i guess i needed that. I met a lot of people in high school; amazing people, people that i needed to meet, and i’m forever grateful for the lessons they taught me.

You know, my mom said, “the people you’re gonna meet in high school are the ones who will stay with you for the rest of your life.” It’s true, yes, those few high school friends are constant but of course we’re still gonna meet people besides them, and that’s where the trouble begins; when we meet those temporary people. See, my mom is great, she is an amazing woman, but she never told me about those temporary people, she didn’t tell me that most of the people that i’m going to meet are the ones i’ll be trying to forget for the rest of my life, but i guess i have to learn some life lessons on my own, so no hard feelings mom.

I first got the idea of love in this phase of my life, and let me tell you, love is chaotic, you have to be mentally prepared for that, it’s not a “i bought a ticket for one ride” type of thing, it’s serious. The emotional challenges that you’re gonna be in when you’re in a relationship is unexplainable that why I never understand people who can move on in a heart beat, who can let go of things easily, i am definitely not one of them, I pretend to, but I’m not. Now see, that’s my problem, I consider people that i’ve been with like they are part of me, because in a way they are, in a way they helped me become who i am, and that’s is why i decided to write this down.

I will tell you about the first guy in the next blog…

Puzzle Piece Collector

photo from mymodernmet.com on Pinterest

I’m not the type of person who can move on in a heart beat. Every person i’ve met uncovered different sides of me. Each and every one of them took a part of me that i will never get back, they also gave me something that i could never take away from myself. I always wonder what happened to the part of me that they took, do they even know what they took from me or what they’ve given me?

At some point in life we’re gonna be careless, we’ll be locked in box full of regrets, and that is point where we need to be strong and brave to face the consequences, we’ll meet people who will teach us the hardest yet the most important lessons, we have to pay attention.

We have to do the most complicated thing,  which is to make peace with our mind and try to find the good, We’re gonna feel like turning our back against the world is the best choice but we have to do the exact opposite. we need collect our puzzle pieces; the lesson we need. 

I had no idea that every people I’m going to meet is gonna be a huge part of who i am today, I feel like puzzle that is being put together one by one by the people who open themselves to me, it’s like i’m giving them a part of me and i’m collecting a part of them, filtering the pieces that would fit me so that I could make myself better.

The universe has a weird way of helping us define what “living” means; the process connects us, it leads us to one another, and it’s crazy to think that there is gonna be only one you and me in this lifetime because of those puzzle pieces, the story behind them, the connections. 

If you have any insights please let me know, my email is danicacamandero11@gmail.com I would really love to have a deep conversation with y’all. Inspire me, blow my mind.

Fear

photo from langoaurelian.tumblr.com

There’s a story from Sherlock Holmes that I really love, though Sherlock Holmes himself hates it. The story’s entitled “Appointment in Samarra” originally written by John O’Hara. It was a story of a merchant in Baghdad, he was walking around the market then he suddenly he saw an unfamiliar face, when he saw it he knew right away that it was death. Death was so shocked seeing the merchant. Because of fear the merchant rushed home, packed his things and moved to Sammara, when he arrived on his new home he saw death once again, waiting for him. The merchant then accepted his fate, but before death took him he asked “why were you so shocked when you saw me in the market at Baghdad?” the death then replied, “Because I was supposed to meet you here, In Sammara.” Telling this story gave me chills, It is indeed one of my favorite story.

This story tickled my mind. Why do we fear?

Each and every one of us was born with fear (fear of noises and falling) Being aware is what makes us fear, As we get older and experience different things and we believe that we become fearless, but we can never really be fearless, we just over come and old fear and soon enough, we’ll encounter a new one. Fear is part of being a human, it somehow defines us, it manipulates our decisions, it keep us scared, it ruins us. Knowing what can someone or something do to us taught us fear, and fear taught us to be brave, and being brave is what we need in facing the twist and turn in this world.It doesn’t matter what or how many things scares the shit out of us, what matters is how we face it and lesson we’ll learn from it. So before you run from your fear, think about the lesson your running away from too. 

Carpe diem

Time heals nothing
It just makes things prettier
Close your eyes and try to remember
Tears will run down on your face
Feel what you have to feel
It’s okay, I know it’s terrible
But you see; time healed nothing
It just buried the memories
With new memories
The pain is still there
Looking at him still hurt
Remembering him still hurt
And there’s nothing we can do
But let the old memories
Get buried with the new ones
That’s why I want you to know
That this exact moment is important
Do something that is worth remembering
When you wake up tomorrow seize your day
You might not notice it
But every day is a chance to forget the pain
Collect happy days
Bury the unpleasant memories
But let’s be realistic
No matter how hard we try
It will haunt us still
We’ll hurt, and cry, and break
But remember who were back then
And compare it to who you are now
You’re way better now, right?
That is growth; embrace it
It is awfully destructive
Yet beautiful and poetic

Cynical

There are days when i wake up and feel like all the bad things that happened to me are just a dream, it only last for a few minutes until reality hits me again. Some people’s definition of a bad day is having bad coffee in the morning but for me it’s when i wake up and remember every stupid thing i did well here’s the bottom line to this; it happens every single day.

I can’t even remember when was the last time i felt genuinely happy. please don’t think of me as some depressed teenager because honestly, i am trying. i’m trying to rise above but that’s not easy because i have to do it every fucking time, sometimes i forget i have to do it so i’ll remind myself to “rise above”.

I hate waking up and pretending that i got my shit together and whatnot. I hate the fact that i have all these feelings that i don’t even want to feel and have to deal with it so that i’ll be a “better person”. I’m tired of dealing with the same shit every day, trying to make myself a little bit better about what I’ve become.

It makes me think “Is this why people get married and have kids?” to have some kind of purpose living this miserable life, to be distracted from the fact that life is shitty? Maybe that’s why most of us crave for love, so that someone could help us understand, or distract us, well guess what? it’s unfair for people like me who’s bad at love, it’s so damn unfair. As i grow older i become more and more cynical, i notice those little things people do to make them feel better about life and it makes me sick and the fact that I’m responsible for feeling like this makes me more sick.